Beginning of April an Isolated Event, Says Administration

            “April is the cruelest month,” according to some reports.  Amidst rumors that Cornell gets “more April” than any of the other Ivies, the administration has set out to minimize the impact of this April. 

            “Some April is to be expected, and Ithaca experiences April on par with the national average,” said President Skorkin, in a statement released this morning.  “Not all students are experiencing April.  Some students haven’t even turned their calendars yet.  Some students think it’s May already.  Everything’s fine.”

            The cause of this April has not yet been determined, but a student impact panel made findings that Ithaca’s weather patterns and isolated location may have played a role.  Additionally, student health services seems to have been unable to stop this April.

            “Last year, Harvard’s April lasted 31 days, and no one seemed to notice,” Skorkin reminded students. 

            The administration plans to place fences around Cornell campus’s calendars, in an attempt to stop students from spontaneously looking at calendars.